Really resonates with my memories of a similar choice of upping Lenny's childcare. At the time it felt like I was choosing between him (good mum) or myself (bad selfish mum!) Of course it was more nuanced than that; giving myself some more space was an even greater gift than I could imagine which would have felt "worth it" by itself, and an important practice for when I had to make similar choices in the future. Also I think he benefited from it too/didn't really seem to notice at the time 😂 Also hard relate with the cosiness of one's nest but that becoming something limiting me, when I had to make the harder scarier choice to step outside of it. Good luck with your choice Lyndsay, thank you for sharing the process with us xx
This is exactly it Chloe, feels like a choice between him and myself and the connotations (and of course the many layers and nuances) that come with that choice. But yes, I feel like I can’t continue as we are really at this point, the space is so needed and I have no doubt that he will be fine/thrive as he is doing there so far. But there is a lot of second-guessing it all. And yes the contrast between cosiness and the (taking up) space is such an interesting one, remaining curious and open to it all. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts/experiences with me, I am reassured that you have been there xx
Gorgeous thoughts and words, Lyndsay, and so very relatable indeed. Thank you for these insights into all you're thinking and processing as you transition from one season to the next in so many ways. Stories like these matter x
Thank you for reading Kelly, I so appreciate your words. Thank you for saying that stories of these inner conflicts within the transitions of mothering matter, it feels hugely validating when my inner dialogue whilst writing was often telling me the opposite xx
Our real lived human stories matter so much I believe. It helps us to feel less alone when we know other people are going through similar things. I will never get bored reading about the lives of others. Maybe I am just plain nosey!!! x
Yes you are so right, getting to the heart of things we are experiencing even when it might seem trivial in the grand scale is important. Thank you for the reminder! And I feel the same, perhaps we are all nosey about the different human experiences?! It’s funny to think that before the internet we wouldn’t have known the half of what others’ were doing/thinking! Obviously there are pros and cons to this (not so) new reality xx
This is beautiful Lyndsay. I feel the in between space, the craving for more space, and worrying about taking up space. I loved reading your reflections and I remember I am not alone.
Ah thank you Emma. Yes such an uncomfortable in-between I am finding. Those things are absolutely coexisting for me, craving more space/wondering if I ‘deserve’ to have more space/being worried to take up space…it goes on! Thank you, you are absolutely never alone xx
Once again I really feel so much of what you’ve written, with the exception being just as the world feels like it’s opening up I also am stepping back into that very demanding winter world of mothering the baby. For the past almost year I’ve been writing in those small spaces-3 hours, 3x a week-when my kids have been in preschool. It’s not much but that sliver of freedom and space means everything 🙂
Ah Ashley, thank you so much for reading and seeing me, and yourself, in my experiences. And yes, you are now most definitely in the deepest winter which I hope you feel cocooned in, it’s magical and it’s hard that’s for sure, sending you love and strength. I am also heartened to hear that you too know so well the experience of writing in such short slots of time, but each opportunity is a little homecoming xx
What a poetic piece Lyndsay. I truly enjoyed reading your journey so far, including your winterspring essay of last year. There is so much I can relate with about this in between phase. This passage particularly "to pursue opportunities growing along my path like spring flowers — to look outwards despite being strongly tethered to family life, to find this new version of myself, melding everything that has come before, with new layers embedded." couldn’t better describe what I’ve felt these past few weeks. May spring bring us clarity along more sunshine 😉
Thank you Maïlys, and for reading last year’s piece too! And yes, I feel as though we are also tracing this delicate path of emergence and retreat and navigating the next possible chapter. I love that you related to the opportunities like spring flowers alongside the inward tether to family life. Yes indeed, wishing you much spring sunshine that sheds more light on the mystery of the chapter ahead, I am reassured to know we are walking a similar path xx
A beautiful post Lyndsay and the term winterspring really resonates too. That in between phase where it's like we've got one foot in and one foot put, feeling unsure. I've loved seeing the blossom on the trees in the last few weeks and the magnolia buds nearly in bloom too. Signs of Spring bit still wrapped up in my thick winter coat! Also love what you say here:
"I have found there to be so much beauty, fullness and joy sewn into the seams."
This just sums up finding the time to be creative in motherhood so well. It was lovely to read your reflections on your current experience of motherhood too. Just when we kind of get used to one stage, it all changes again! Xx
Really resonates with my memories of a similar choice of upping Lenny's childcare. At the time it felt like I was choosing between him (good mum) or myself (bad selfish mum!) Of course it was more nuanced than that; giving myself some more space was an even greater gift than I could imagine which would have felt "worth it" by itself, and an important practice for when I had to make similar choices in the future. Also I think he benefited from it too/didn't really seem to notice at the time 😂 Also hard relate with the cosiness of one's nest but that becoming something limiting me, when I had to make the harder scarier choice to step outside of it. Good luck with your choice Lyndsay, thank you for sharing the process with us xx
This is exactly it Chloe, feels like a choice between him and myself and the connotations (and of course the many layers and nuances) that come with that choice. But yes, I feel like I can’t continue as we are really at this point, the space is so needed and I have no doubt that he will be fine/thrive as he is doing there so far. But there is a lot of second-guessing it all. And yes the contrast between cosiness and the (taking up) space is such an interesting one, remaining curious and open to it all. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts/experiences with me, I am reassured that you have been there xx
Gorgeous thoughts and words, Lyndsay, and so very relatable indeed. Thank you for these insights into all you're thinking and processing as you transition from one season to the next in so many ways. Stories like these matter x
Thank you for reading Kelly, I so appreciate your words. Thank you for saying that stories of these inner conflicts within the transitions of mothering matter, it feels hugely validating when my inner dialogue whilst writing was often telling me the opposite xx
Our real lived human stories matter so much I believe. It helps us to feel less alone when we know other people are going through similar things. I will never get bored reading about the lives of others. Maybe I am just plain nosey!!! x
Yes you are so right, getting to the heart of things we are experiencing even when it might seem trivial in the grand scale is important. Thank you for the reminder! And I feel the same, perhaps we are all nosey about the different human experiences?! It’s funny to think that before the internet we wouldn’t have known the half of what others’ were doing/thinking! Obviously there are pros and cons to this (not so) new reality xx
This is beautiful Lyndsay. I feel the in between space, the craving for more space, and worrying about taking up space. I loved reading your reflections and I remember I am not alone.
Ah thank you Emma. Yes such an uncomfortable in-between I am finding. Those things are absolutely coexisting for me, craving more space/wondering if I ‘deserve’ to have more space/being worried to take up space…it goes on! Thank you, you are absolutely never alone xx
Once again I really feel so much of what you’ve written, with the exception being just as the world feels like it’s opening up I also am stepping back into that very demanding winter world of mothering the baby. For the past almost year I’ve been writing in those small spaces-3 hours, 3x a week-when my kids have been in preschool. It’s not much but that sliver of freedom and space means everything 🙂
Ah Ashley, thank you so much for reading and seeing me, and yourself, in my experiences. And yes, you are now most definitely in the deepest winter which I hope you feel cocooned in, it’s magical and it’s hard that’s for sure, sending you love and strength. I am also heartened to hear that you too know so well the experience of writing in such short slots of time, but each opportunity is a little homecoming xx
What a poetic piece Lyndsay. I truly enjoyed reading your journey so far, including your winterspring essay of last year. There is so much I can relate with about this in between phase. This passage particularly "to pursue opportunities growing along my path like spring flowers — to look outwards despite being strongly tethered to family life, to find this new version of myself, melding everything that has come before, with new layers embedded." couldn’t better describe what I’ve felt these past few weeks. May spring bring us clarity along more sunshine 😉
Thank you Maïlys, and for reading last year’s piece too! And yes, I feel as though we are also tracing this delicate path of emergence and retreat and navigating the next possible chapter. I love that you related to the opportunities like spring flowers alongside the inward tether to family life. Yes indeed, wishing you much spring sunshine that sheds more light on the mystery of the chapter ahead, I am reassured to know we are walking a similar path xx
A beautiful post Lyndsay and the term winterspring really resonates too. That in between phase where it's like we've got one foot in and one foot put, feeling unsure. I've loved seeing the blossom on the trees in the last few weeks and the magnolia buds nearly in bloom too. Signs of Spring bit still wrapped up in my thick winter coat! Also love what you say here:
"I have found there to be so much beauty, fullness and joy sewn into the seams."
This just sums up finding the time to be creative in motherhood so well. It was lovely to read your reflections on your current experience of motherhood too. Just when we kind of get used to one stage, it all changes again! Xx